We can’t always predict or control what life throws at us, but there is always something we can try, even if it’s tiny. Active coping involves acknowledging the difficulties we are experiencing and finding something constructive to try to make today or tomorrow slightly better, rather than avoiding our problems.  This act of trying in itself, doing something rather than feeling there’s nothing we can do, helps us to cope, find and maintain hope and to feel effective. It helps us to feel we at least have some control, even if what we do seems inconsequential.

Having a sense of control is essential for our wellbeing. When we experience difficult times we can feel powerless but whatever the situation, there is nearly always something we can try – whether that’s an external action or something internal. As psychiatrist and concentration camp survivor, Dr. Viktor Frankl famously said “Everything can be taken from a [person] but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” 

Active coping isn’t about ignoring our problems or struggles but taking constructive action despite them. All of the 10 Keys to Happier Living have actions and ideas that can help during difficult times. Importantly, remember you don’t need to struggle alone. Reaching out and asking for help when you need it, whether from people you know well or in your local community or from specialist help organisations, is being resilient. Keep in mind that everyone has difficulties sometimes and when someone helps us it has wellbeing benefits for you both. 

Try it: Reflect back on a challenging or difficult time in your life. What helped you cope and come through it? How could that help you today? 
 

The way we think has a significant impact on how we feel, and how we feel impacts what we say and do in response, which has consequences for our interactions with others and how happy and resilient we are.

When an event or situation triggers an emotional reaction in us – for example fear or anger - we attribute that emotion to the trigger. But preceding our emotion will be instant, underlying thoughts or beliefs about the trigger – for example, “I’m in danger” or “That’s unfair”. It’s actually our underlying thoughts that trigger our emotions. This all happens so fast we don’t realise we’ve had these thoughts, but we can learn to tune into them. Importantly, our in-the-moment thoughts often aren’t accurate because they happen so fast. They aren’t facts, even though we often respond as if they are - in so doing, we cause ourselves to feel more anger, upset and hurt than we might need to.

Learning to check in and challenge our instant thoughts helps us manage our emotions and the reactions that result. We can have more choice and control over our instant interpretations than our instinctive emotional reactions.  
Often our instant thoughts to a trigger will be about why something happened (e.g. “I must have done something wrong” or “they don’t like me” or that what will happen next (e.g. “I’ll get in trouble” or “I’ll be rejected”).  We often jump to instant negative or worst-case interpretations. This is because our human brain evolved to keep us physically safe (see the Key of Emotions for more on this), by being on alert for potential downsides and risks. It will jump to conclusions about potential dangers and err on the side of caution by negatively interpreting neutral or ambiguous interactions or things that happen to us. 

Instant interpretations of potential risk, such as danger or violation, activate the threat system in our primitive emotional brain. So when these instant beliefs are inaccurate (as they often are), we will feel unpleasant emotions unnecessarily.  In turn, this impacts what we say or do next, setting off a chain reaction of further thoughts, emotions and reactions and impacting our interactions with others.  In this way, we can actually undermine our own resilience without realising it!

For example, we are walking down the street and see someone we know so we call out or wave to them but they don’t respond. Our instant beliefs or interpretation of the situation might be “They’re ignoring me, how rude” or “They don’t like me.” This causes us to feel hurt or upset and perhaps then to be off-hand with the next person we meet. In that situation, we couldn’t know for sure what was going on for that person and whether they saw us or not. It could be they were lost in thought or worries, in a rush or even have poor eyesight! When we learn to check in to the instant thoughts underlying them and learn to challenge these for accuracy, we can stop the potential spiral of unhelpful, unpleasant emotions and subsequent actions. So in our example above, we might give the person the benefit of the doubt which means we don’t feel upset or offended and carry that on into our day. 

So when something triggers an unpleasant emotional reaction in you, a first step in more resilient thinking is to take a brief pause, breathe and check in on your instant interpretations. Ask yourself “Are my instant beliefs accurate or is another, less upsetting interpretation possible?” Learning to do this can benefit you and your relationships with others! 

Reflection: Think back to a time when you jumped to an instant negative conclusion about someone or something that happened (keep it to a small example)? What were your in-the-moment thoughts about why it happened?  How did that cause you to feel and what did you do as a result? What might have been an alternative, less negative, interpretation at that time? How would that have led you feel and act?